I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
