Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
BRING THE BAGELS
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
