I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
