If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
