i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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