Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
