I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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