I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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