the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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