so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Pooping to opera.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
