Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
