apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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