I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
