I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
