WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
