God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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