How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
