I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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