i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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