Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
