In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
