he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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