i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
