I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
