They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
