Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Randomize
