The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
