what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
