she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
