"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
