I think I won the penis lottery.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
