Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
