I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Randomize
