Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You took a bar mat shot.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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