So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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