arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
