I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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