the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
