I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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