so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
