he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
