i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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