There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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