Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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