why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Randomize
