mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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