i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
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She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
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Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
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