He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you didnt know i had herpes?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
