I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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