cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
