I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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