Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
