Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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