someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
