this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
