i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
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Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize