My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
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what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
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In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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