Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
