I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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