First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
