as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
