im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
