Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
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After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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