I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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